It was 2010. A difficult year.
Even though "a difficult year" was not the theme for the year. The theme had something to do with talking.
Maybe that was why I had been complaining so much internally. Ha ha!
My thought life was full of complaints even though I remained calm externally. I was practicing self-control.
It was working but it was not working.
The year was fraught with fights, disappointments, misunderstandings and more fights.
My soul was especially tired from so many fights. I reacted to this by being combative and retaliatory. All I needed was one more word of insult and I knew I would explode. I was at my limit. Or so I thought.
I waited calmly for the next person who would be bold enough to dole out the words that would give me the excuse I needed to explode.
It was April and I was at a retreat that was supposed to be calming to my nerves and my spirit. It was anything but.
A retreat is supposed to be:
- Calm
- Peaceful
- Quiet
- Full of God.
I guess it was but I was not.
The above words could not describe me.
I was more aware of the consistent fights than I was of God. So there were dance and song acts happening.
For every act that came on stage, since i was in a combative mood, I mentally scored them.
5/10
6/10
1/10
It all depended on if I liked the people performing, sorry, ministering or not.
Like I said, my soul was tired and my flesh was going wild. Out of control more like it. Although I wore outward calm like a coat.
I was responding or reacting with angst and I had no way to expel the anger in me.
Suddenly the next act came up. It was a dance drama. It was a song that goes: "Is your name in the Book of Life?"
A song by Nathaniel Bassey, a dance drama. And the group was acting it.
As they sang, Holy Spirit whispered to me, "Is your name in the Book of Life?"
I responded proudly: It is.
Then quietly in my heart, it was.
I was so confused I began another rant blaming everyone that was making me constantly angry.
Until 2010, I was always sure my name was in the Book of Life, stamped in gold in fact.
2010 was a trying year and it was just four months in. It was fight after fight and I was done.
As the song finished and came to a close, I realized my heart had softened towards everyone. I realized that all that matter no matter what was going on in my life, was if my name was in the Book of Life.
As the song ended, I slide to my knees and muttered, "I forgive them all."
Finally, it was not just an annoying meeting, it was a meeting in which I was talking to God.
All that matters today is if your name is in the book of Life. The things that bother you, no matter how important you think it is, is small fry.
So I ask you today, is your name in the Book of Life?
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