Osinachi Nwachukwu - Lessons from her bout with fate

Does domestic violence exist in Nigeria?

Once upon a time, I asked a friend about domestic violence in Nigeria and in her industry. She gave me a political answer.

That is the day I learned that Nigerian women would rather deny anything to have the perfect picture.

This woman was perfect!

I am a 'wahala' girl where she is. 

Based on the Nigerian thought patterns I have heard varying reasons why she died. Some say that she killed herself. Others say that she has an 'ogbanje' spirit and wanted to get the man in trouble.

No one was able to say the glaring fact.

Her husband killed her.

No one was able to speak the truth. I was sad.

This woman is dead. Yet patriarchy can't even blame the husband for her death. They are blaming her for killing herself. Something impossible.

What did I learn from her death?

• You should do what is best for you

Think about the best thing for you and do it.

Be ready for the fall-out. In our patriarchal society, people will stigmatize and say many bad things about you but you will be alive and with hope. 

Suck it up. If they shame you, take comfort in the fact that you are alive. In time, you will drop the shame and hopefully be able to dream and have a full life again. Christ did not create you for shame so you can drop it in exchange for His peace.

• If you have to separate, do it quickly

No one gets married to get separated. If you have to do it to save your life, do it. You are the only one who knows the extent of the danger. 

Do not reconcile unless your spouse seeks therapy and anger management programs. Let him/her work at getting the rage out or find out the problem behind the anger and solve it.

Give your safety priority. You are a valuable person. Please believe me. You may have received years of verbal abuse that has chipped away at your confidence. Despite this, know that you are valuable. God sent His son to die for you. In His eyes, your worth is Christ literally.

You may not get support from anyone else. Trust that God will take care of you and send help for you when you need it. Pray every day and nurture your spiritual life. 

• If you have to divorce, do it quickly

Usually, you should have a period of separation before considering divorce. 

Just as a marriage agreement should receive a lot of consideration, a divorce should have a lot of deliberation. You should not enter into a marriage agreement lightly. You should not break a marriage covenant lightly also.

There is always room for reconciliation but only if you are spiritually, emotionally, and physically ready.

• If your husband or wife changes their ways, you can reconsider reconciliation

By change of ways, I do not mean that he has received counseling from pastors. I mean that he/she has had months of good behavior. Do not move back in immediately. Date again for three months to check out that good behavior for yourself.

Do not rush it.  Let it be that you are building something new. Do not go back home and fall into the old patterns. Building new habits take time. 

Let a psychologist verify their behavior change. Have accountability patterns in your parents, friends, etc.

• Do what you want to without thinking of others

If you die, they will forget you. Do not consider anyone, not your family, not your friends. Consider yourself first.

Do what is good for you. Then you can let in your family and friends and cultivate healthy relationships and friendships again.

Let your soul feel happy with friends and family. You will be fine and get the love you deserve. 

N.B.

This is my opinion. Anyone with a different opinion can share it in the comments. 

God bless you.